hello, I'm in delaware - city&colour

5:08 a.m. and eyes still tireless is how I've been these past few nights. I swear my family is made up of nocturnals. Everyone's still awake bickering about my brother's transfer to America. Proud of him, hope he does well there. Soon, in about 3 years that's gonna be me. Fuck. I have been having too much thoughts lately. That's what I get for having too much post pmr free time and a sister who's a goddamn life guru who shares a bed with you every night. 

I need to get out of highschool. It's wearing me down so much I can't even take it anymore. After paying attention to what my sister said, what ming yi said & even what michelle said, being friendly to people you don't even like is so tiring. And to be held down by some of the worst teachers who assume they understand every aspect of life?? No. 

Everything is so tiring. 

Temporary

is what I perceive everything to be right now. Kinda crazy how what was me thinking of how to redecorate my room once my exams are over led me to think way beyond that.

This is what I mean.

How should I redecorate my room > Then again, is it very necessary? I'm only gonna be here for 4 more years before I leave for America. > But 4 years is a long time > No it isn't it seems to be but time will fly > But I wonder what would it be like in America, I'm going to spend a while there. > Time will fly so much > What if I end up living there? > Why does everything suddenly seem so temporary? > I'm scared > I'm going to miss everyone here in Malaysia so much. > Would they miss me back? > Would I even still be friends with them? > Do I really want to expand my horizons that much? > Of course I do who the hell doesn't? > No I don't I'm perfectly comfortable here > What the hell am I telling myself people would die for opportunities like this > But everyone..

Yeah, see how a simple thought could lead to a catastrophe of over thinking. Then again which leads me to think about me going to America. 

Being a tumblr user, I see posts everywhere about living outside of your comfort zone because that's when life really begins but honestly, I am quite afraid. Which should be perfectly normal but it's to the extend I might not wanna go there. I love the way things are now but yet I wanna explore and see what the world has yet to offer. Most afraid, I am, is of losing the people who mean the world to me right now. Then I start realizing how everything is so, temporary. I think now what I may most be afraid of is "temporariness", quite like how Augustus Waters of TFIOS written by John Green fears oblivion. Moving on, yes. Everything seems so temporary and it terrifies me to think that way. I imagine myself going on with life so well in American but then I look back, to my high school days realizing, I wouldn't longer have time to go back & reminisce with them. Everyone would've moved on with their separate lives. 

Or maybe I just think and care too much. 

I do not know what to write as a post title so I guess this is gonna go title-less. If you're reading this it must mean you're pretty special because my blog is kind of like a sacred place. Like a diary but less private info about me. So please don't go casting my link around to reel everyone in here. I type what I feel here, and right now I'm feelin a little clueless (?)

I hope you are happy with yourself. I have yet to rid of this displeased feeling towards you for you deciding to act like non of what happened, ever happened but suit yourself, I have lost all my trust in you. I see you don't respect me nor our friendship so whatever. Good luck with her (not really) but yeah.

The number of days before PMR arrives are now in double digits. We have about almost a month and a week to study, and I am still struggling with Sejarah & Geografi.

Sigh.

Aside from all those unhappy stuff I tend to think a little too much about, I am actually having a pretty decent life right now. Good terms with my family, thankful for my friends because I've finally decide to swallow the fact that I shouldn't give two thoughts about the people who don't do the same. Though I am still questioning some people. I'm sure you can relate. Sometimes I feel like we're really best friends and you were meant to be in my life for long term, sometimes I feel like we're just friends because it's convenient, but sometimes it feels like you're just nothing but a stranger I say hi to in school. Maybe you can't relate but I hope someone out there does.

But to you, my bestfriend/friend/stranger, you might be reading this right now because there would probably come a period again where I feel like you're my best friend and surrender you the link to this blog, mind giving me some clarity as to what we really are?

Trials? What?

I know I promised myself I'd visit here more often but with everything going on who's got the time? Let me update you about a couple of stuff,

1. Before I knew it time flew by and I am currently sitting for my Trial exams for PMR
2. I wasn't close to prepared for my trials
3. It's 1:26 am and Science is tomorrow and I'm not even half done
4. PMR is in 42 days

Yay life!

Going on, I am feeling an immense amount of regret for not preparing earlier. I was even given such fortune to have my trials after the Raya Holidays when other schools had theirs before and yet, I only chose to begin studying on the second week. When will I ever learn? well that would be right now because I promised myself I'd study harder than I ever had because I already feel terrible enough and it's just Trials let alone PMR. I WANT TO JUMP OF A BUILDING RIGHT NOW THIS HELPLESS FEELING OF LAST MINUTE CRAMMING. Sigh, but what I'm most worried about is how I'm not worried about Sejarah and Geografi at all. Anyone have any advice to offer? I literally can't stand BM based subjects. KH is the only subject in BM I have potential to do well in, not sure why but I just can. Sigh. The thought of freedom once this is all done with. All night anime marathons to catch up on everything I've missed and plus I get to read the books I purchased from a book fair recently I've been dying to read.

Come on. I didn't fucking come here to go through this kinda shit again. Not again, no.

and my wide eyed gazed.

Hello! I know, this is probably the 10th time or something I've attempted to restart my blogging habbits. But I really will try my best this time, I hope. LOL


Anyway, yeap, I've officially transferred to SMKBUD(3) from SMKDJ. The enviroment's completely different compared to DJ. There are so many chinese ed people compared to english ed. But it's treating me well! I hang out with people who make me feel like I've already been there for so long, and it feels so good. Though there may be (there is) awkward moments here and there, I'm still glad. I have no idea how I'd be like right now if I hadn't met ShuHui before I came to BU3. I wish I could be a little more socializing with the people in my class though. I only know so few ): But I'm just so freakin shy as a conversation starter. If someone were to start it then I'd be pretty decent in continuing the convo, but if I'd have to start it? uh, hahah.